Right After That Rock

Some days, even though the sun caresses me, and a warm breeze kisses my cheek, I still shiver and pull the cloak of memories tighter around me. Taking comfort from things past to warn off the pain of now. Attempting to talk of it rarely helps, because few either can or will try to see the whole picture - they seem to think 'in the moment', and can not understand how 1 +1 can equal 3. Or for what ever reason they twist it to be about themselves... You are 'upset' or 'angry' at THEM. It doesn't matter how you try to explain - it's always the 'wrong' time, and they can't 'get into it at this time'. Truth be told, I figure 99% of the world just doesn't want to hear or cares. But then, I don't think I really WANT that 99% to know anything. They will just use whatever they can at another point in time to try and hurt you anyway. Or, God forbid - pity you. I never could stand being pitied.
Now, there is a truth for you, most folks are users of others. They'll be your friend until you can no longer 'do' for them , until they can no longer benifit from your friendship materialisticly Then they cut ties and run. This is true, whether at work in the real world or on the net. I happen to have a knack for creating pages and graphics, and to do programming in a way. That is how to make programs work in places they shouldn't. I'm self taught, so I guess not knowing that some things should NOT work, enables me to sidestep and make it work. I really don't mind sharing how to do these things. I truly believe that knowledge not shared is pretty useless. Quite often, I get asked to help out other groups or webdesigners, and I'm happy to. Often, I don't even recieve any credit, and even though that hurts a bit, I figure its par for the course. But when someone tells me that I will get credit, or that they won't use a certain thing but send folks into my group, then sneak behind my back and do it - well that hurts. It's bad enough when someone copies and imitates you, after a point it becomes down right irrating . But when they lie to do it, go behind your back and to lengths to try and hurt you to help themselves...well then I just get angry.
One of my pet peeves is when someone expresses unhappiness over a situation and gets told, " I knew you would react like this." Then why did they do it? Obviously your feelings meant nothing from the get go, or they would have approached you first and said " here's the deal - this is what we're going to do and I just want you to be ok with it." I mean you KNOW they will do it anyway, but at least you don't feel like it was done behind your back. Like your feelings don't amount to a hill of beans. Of course after the fact, there are platitudes and 'talks', but these just leave you feeling as if you are 'wrong' to express anything negative, or other then what they want to hear. Hells Bells why call yourself my friend and say I matter when I obviously don't?
So naturally, you try and withdraw, go to your own little corner and heal. But will they let you be? No they seek you out in order to twist the knife a bit more. Don't expect an "I'm sorry you see it that way," or the real culprit to admit any guilt - EVER. The culprit will hide under a guise of not understanding, I can garuntee that. Instead they try and act if you are in the wrong and causing a problem. The one actually doing things is treated like the 'victim' and YOU , my friend, are the bad guy.
Add this to the stress some of us face in everyday life - utilities shut off, jobs that are a joke, and if it wasn't for the fact you need to live off it, you'd laugh at your paycheck, and a multitude of things that are just not going right... Well, the stress can reach a dangerous level, and begin to create some scary thoughts, while Life does a tap dance on your spleen. It gets bad enough and you end up in the hospital under suicide watch and does anyone care? Of course are you going to wave a red flag over it? No you reach out, wanting someone to ask you if your ok and get told "I don't have time for this." Or they try to make your actions totally about something else. And these are your 'friends' folks you thought would know and love you enough to recognize you aren't being 'you'. Instead of finding comfort and support - you are made to feel worse and even more alone. Oh yeah you matter right after that rock over there. Or if I'm not dealing with something ( which is everything/anything else) more important then you.
So you set out to prove that you ARE part of the 'team', that you don't harbor any grudges and throw a big bash to help support another's project. You even talk about it before doing so to be sure it's a good idea to do so, because in order to garner some free advertizing you have to go about it a bit left handed. You even make sure everyone involved gets invitations, so no one will feel left out. You think it can be one big kiss and makeup session... instead another decides to throw a bash too, and claims to have had no idea you were doing the same ( or so the grapevine says- but you more or less expected it from this corner. The same grapevine advises you that they are telling folks they really shouldn't bother with yours as they are having their own.) You hear that you are only trying to steal the 'thunder' of this other project, and that you should be happy for this other person. In short with very few exceptions, the folks you were trying to help most act like you are a total bitch. The fact that you held out an olive branch and it was slapped away carries no weight. The fact it has happened time and again, I guess shouldn't matter. In their eyes the past shouldn't count I guess. But I whisper to myself that most don't and won't get it. And they never will...why? Because I am Val and I matter right after that rock over there.