Life after death

Sitting here thinking of the theme to that old tv show MASH - the name of it was "Suicide is painless'. Whom ever wrote it didn't know beans. Suicide is painless for whom? Certainly not those left behind, and I don't think it was for the folks who arrive at the conclusion that it's better than breathing.
The events of the past week have placed Death at the front of my mind. Although, clearly these particular two death's shouldn't effect me directly, or as much to parties related, it does effect me. The first death, that of my friend, is just sad. I could always rely on MC to either make me laugh or point out why I should get my head up out of my tush. That is when he wasn't trying to marry me off to some 89 year old retired coalminer or someone else he knew would 'take care of ' me. It was a running joke with us. Even when his health no longer permitted him to be in chat any length of time, I would recieve emails and IMs from him. I will miss the companionship he offered me. I am friends with the woman he loved and my heart aches for her loss.
The second death, the suicide, angers me. As I've stated before, I didn't even like the guy. There had been several occassions when we had toed off, and I said, "you want to hit someone? Bring it." I'm small in stature, but am sure I prove more of a challange then a small child. Personally, I am ok with the fact that he is dead - it's that he chose to take his own life that bothers me. It angers me that he would opt to put innocents through this last ordeal. Of course the blame game has begun, with many pointing towards my roommate - after all SHE divorced him! Blah blah blah - yeah she is sooo wrong to have left someone who beat her kid so that she could try and get them back from the State. Oh yeah, she is a rotten bitch for putting her kids first in her life. Of course they claim that wasn't the reason at all, but that he had become ill and was dieing that she left. Damn, get a clue, people.
But even without that second scenario, seeing how tortured Mary is by his action forces me into a role. In order to aid her coming to terms, I must revisit my own haunted past, and relive the pain, the anguish, all those questions without answers. She knows I speak from experiance, when I say, "There is life after death- you as a survivor learn to live without them."
I too, had been accused of 'murdering' my son, by his father's family. Even at the funeral his Grandmother asked me what I had done to drive him to it. In grief it is human nature to blame
someone or something, especially when it comes to suicide. Folks have a hard time accepting that even the departed is 'blameless' in a way - they have gone past the point of hope and logical reasoning. They can not see beyond themselves, those of us left , question ourselves - are we somehow to blame?
I've been spending long hours, just listening, of just being in the same room so that she knows she isn't alone. Hours of being 'on', cracking jokes one second - holding her tight the next, and hiding the fact that I am becoming extremely drained.
On my advice, she will tell the boys tonight at their counselor's office, so that she may be on hand to help the boys accept this. We're all agreed that given the circumstances, they don't need to know that he hung himself. There is such a thing as too much truth and knowledge.
I wish I had some majik words, or could be a better shield, but all I can really do is attest to the fact there is life after death. You learn to go on again.