From down the Rabbit Hole

Yes, I've been missing for sometime now. Depression has an adverse effect that way. I wrestled with scary thoughts for sometime, and have been struggling hard to climb back up. Thing is...
I'm not of a depressed nature, and usually if I am not happy, I can pinpoint the reason. But, how do you locate the reason when it's so very muddled? It isn't ONE thing , but a multitude of tiny insignificants. I'm not even sure if depression aptly describes where I've been. Perhaps a very bad case of Immense Blahness, is a better wording.
Looking for work, that's not to be had. Loosing my room-mate. (Which is actually a good thing - a step towards getting her kids back- our goal.) Finances - well heck you need money to have those...I sorta remember money. There is also that uneasy feeling of trepidation that lines my mouth with a metallic taste. A fine vibration of fear constantly nagging at me. Not exactly Mary Sunshine of late.
Speaking of vibrations, we had an earthquake this morning. About 5 on the rector scale they say. Unusual for the Midwest, and maybe it explains why the cats have been so bonkers lately. I was waken from sleep by the sound of things shaking on their shelves. Initially, I thought some huge truck was going past, followed by the thought of a tornado - hey, I SAID it woke me. First thoughts from sleeping are seldom logical. I glanced out my bedroom window and saw neither semi or signs of storm. By now, my bed was trembling and the noise level was fairly loud. I grabbed my robe, and headed out of my room to check on the roommate- not exactly knowing what was happening - suddenly it stopped. In the silence I could hear the ticking of my clock. It was as if nothing had taken place. If it hadn't been all over the news, I'd have chalked it up to vivid dreaming.
Yeah, perhaps that's the worst thing about my brand of depression - the dreams become so real feeling. Sometimes, they are just reliving the past. Again and again, I have fought the struggle for my son's life...again and again, I've watched him die. Again I face the accusations - I see the looks and hear the cruel remarks - made out of grief directed at me. "What did you do to drive him to it?", "Why didn't you save him?" Time and time again, these memories surface in my sleep. I wake, exhausted. Barely more than a ghost myself. I know I did everything mortally possible. I know he went knowing I loved him. And I know that my love was simply not enough to repair his emotional damage.
Other times - well, the dire side of situations, I'm dealing with surface. Ugly vignettes of what may be. Of course in trying to escape the dreams I somtimes develope insomnia.
Reality isn't much better then those wisps of the night. I just need something positive to hold on to.
I think where I'm working will fold within a year. All the earmarks of bankruptcy are there... they've slashed payroll to the point, I can even call it 'part time'... with Mary gone, I've no idea how any of these bills will get paid. I'm not making enough to meet rent, let alone the utilities.
I look for work, only to hear 'not hiring' time and again. Without a car my options are limited.
I'm keeping to a 10 mile radious. About a 2 hour hike, one way.
IF my amended tax return ever shows up, I have a car lined up. Hopefully that and a full time job before things are too bad.